Yulran 🌱 @Yulran@yulran.masto.host

I wish there were a search engine for formulas! To find who derived it and what exactly are the quantities involved and all that.

So now I'm feeling so powerful, like I can actually do what I want and nobody can actually stop me.
I'm even considering just skipping the lie and just telling my parents I won't come, without any apology.

Just had therapy and we talked about how I'm organizing to spend Christmas far away from my family and just pass by to see the ones I want to see.
She made me say I'm actually proud of myself for doing that. And she said it's ok if I still lie to my parents about "work preventing me to come", as long as I know what discussion I want to avoid by lying and I'm at peace with it.

Good morniiing

Hair washing: boring.
Hair washing with my ebook reader just out of the water jet on the shelf and its big buttons that won't mind wet wands? A sweet taste of dangerous

I guess what I have been feeling all day is a mix of worry for this quite young guy, of shame that I was probably failing to help him substantially, shame that the whole wagon was failing even harder, and it got even worse with each homeless person I saw in the city center, sitting under the rain. And we're all letting that happen and failing each other.
And I guess I get emotionally triggered by angry shoutings.

Also I realized that I was shaking, and that was probably why I looked afraid.

Something in me is more afraid that I feel it on the moment, when people are angry or when men are shouting. I think it emotionally drained me for the day.

But I hope the guy is ok and that I managed to help him a little bit. It's so frustrating sometimes to not understand what is happening around.

I was getting out just a the next stop. The guy asking for help moved further in the wagon, in the direction of the man who moved away to avoid him. They started arguing. And as I stepped out, I heard something like "just go away already, you already got 20€, what more do you want?"

And HOW DARE HIM
It made me so angry. Using what I gave the guy as an excuse to just further refuse hearing him? That's awful.

But then some other guy with whom I had made eye contact earlier in the train came to tell me that I looked scared, proposing me to come sit with him, insisting a bit more that I would have liked. I might have refused a bit impolitely.

On one hand because that means he very probably read me as female and that annoyed me, but also because I was thinking "what? why do you think I need help? do you think I was threatened into helping him???"

He came to me, visibly upset. The only thing I understood in what he said was "at least a few cents", so I handed him a 20€ bill asking if that would help him.
He answered something like "would that help me? would that help me? What would help me is that people don't ignore me!" and went angrily back to the previous people.

I was hoping I didn't offend him? He took is so I guess it's fine, but I wish I could have understood what he was asking for.

I got a bit stressed out in the train this morning. A young guy came in, sat next to the people behind me and started asking for help. He litterally said "you can see that I need help". The people just ignored him, one man even went to sit someone else, and he got angry. I was trying to listen to understand what help he needed, but, German.

Liquid nitrogen bad: having to be on the tip of my toes and hunch over the table with extended arms to slowly pour liters of it out of a heavy metallic can.
I've been doing it everyday this week and my back hurts

Liquid nitrogen good:
Nice cold rampant smoke, lab snow, nice to play with (carefully).