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My adventures in this cursed weekend continue! I was happily drinking tea, wrapped in a blanket in front of Steven Universe. And I noticed the dripping sound of the toilet water reservoir.
I actioned it a few times, because it already happened once or twice and that fixed it.

But it was still dripping! And bothering me! So I opened the reservoir top to see inside… except that the mechanisms inside are attached to the top :blobsleepless:

But I'm ok now, cptsd 

I'm ok, now, though.

I hadn't gone nonverbal in a long time and I had never made the link to cptsd, and I can talk about it to my therapist next time, and now I know a bit more about myselft and that I don't enjoy those kind of places :shrug_r2:

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Bad gay bar experience, alcohol, no physical agency, cptsd 

Actually I was just grabbed and moved so much, by guys wanting to pass by, or by my friends who just tried to push me on the pole stage (I guess they thought "no way" = "convince me again when I'm drunk"), or by some straight guy who was not happy that my hands were not resting properly on his shoulder and just kept moving them back.
So I just dissociated to keep pretending and went non-verbal for the whole day after that :shrug_r2:

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Bad gay bar experience, crowd issues 

My officemate complained that the girls were agressively elbowing their way through the crowd. I guess he's just too tall to notice that flirting dansing guys don't care if they are just pushing smaller people around.
I was several times grabbed by the shoulders and moved to the side so someone can pass by, I'm not enjoying that either.

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Bad gay bar experience, agressive flirting 

Very promiscuous gay bar where people just go to to agressively flirt with the most attractive guys they can find? Didn't feel friendly either to any guy looking older than a student (dansing alone in the corners), nor to me.
They were also some women (everyone assumed I was one). My officemate said they come here because they feel safer. If that's true I'm worried for them, because the straight guys were so agressively touchy in there.

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My officemate invited me to go out tonight. To spend the whole night in gay places and go wild.
But he said! Meeting at 22:30! Going out at midnight! How can I not be already a total zombie by then!

*making coffee* β˜•

I wish there were a search engine for formulas! To find who derived it and what exactly are the quantities involved and all that.

@sophistoche I like this idea, and it reminds me that there's a really good collection of interviews with older trans and GNC people here:
tosurviveonthisshore.com/inter

#Accessibility
"Who can use this color combination?" a tool that shows you how different part of the population perceive your color combinations
whocanuse.com/?b=fedc2a&c=5a3b

Therapy, holidays, + 

So now I'm feeling so powerful, like I can actually do what I want and nobody can actually stop me.
I'm even considering just skipping the lie and just telling my parents I won't come, without any apology.

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Therapy, holidays, + 

Just had therapy and we talked about how I'm organizing to spend Christmas far away from my family and just pass by to see the ones I want to see.
She made me say I'm actually proud of myself for doing that. And she said it's ok if I still lie to my parents about "work preventing me to come", as long as I know what discussion I want to avoid by lying and I'm at peace with it.

Good morniiing :hot_drink:

Hair washing: boring.
Hair washing with my ebook reader just out of the water jet on the shelf and its big buttons that won't mind wet wands? A sweet taste of dangerous :blobcatgiggle:

Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? Homelessness, emotions processing 

I guess what I have been feeling all day is a mix of worry for this quite young guy, of shame that I was probably failing to help him substantially, shame that the whole wagon was failing even harder, and it got even worse with each homeless person I saw in the city center, sitting under the rain. And we're all letting that happen and failing each other.
And I guess I get emotionally triggered by angry shoutings.

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Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? 

Also I realized that I was shaking, and that was probably why I looked afraid.

Something in me is more afraid that I feel it on the moment, when people are angry or when men are shouting. I think it emotionally drained me for the day.

But I hope the guy is ok and that I managed to help him a little bit. It's so frustrating sometimes to not understand what is happening around.

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Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? 

I was getting out just a the next stop. The guy asking for help moved further in the wagon, in the direction of the man who moved away to avoid him. They started arguing. And as I stepped out, I heard something like "just go away already, you already got 20€, what more do you want?"

And HOW DARE HIM
It made me so angry. Using what I gave the guy as an excuse to just further refuse hearing him? That's awful.

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Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? 

But then some other guy with whom I had made eye contact earlier in the train came to tell me that I looked scared, proposing me to come sit with him, insisting a bit more that I would have liked. I might have refused a bit impolitely.

On one hand because that means he very probably read me as female and that annoyed me, but also because I was thinking "what? why do you think I need help? do you think I was threatened into helping him???"

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Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? 

He came to me, visibly upset. The only thing I understood in what he said was "at least a few cents", so I handed him a 20€ bill asking if that would help him.
He answered something like "would that help me? would that help me? What would help me is that people don't ignore me!" and went angrily back to the previous people.

I was hoping I didn't offend him? He took is so I guess it's fine, but I wish I could have understood what he was asking for.

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Don't know how to CW that… Conflict stress? 

I got a bit stressed out in the train this morning. A young guy came in, sat next to the people behind me and started asking for help. He litterally said "you can see that I need help". The people just ignored him, one man even went to sit someone else, and he got angry. I was trying to listen to understand what help he needed, but, German.

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